(Image from google)
Monday- was a no go day in all ways. Sunday night it hit me that I had to go back to “normal” life and that was so hard. Brandon held me while I cried and I didn’t fall asleep until 1:30-2am which made getting up at 5:40am pretty rough. Coffee was needed. I felt sick to my stomach most of the day and was holding back tears. After work I went home and just crawled into bed. I watched 5 hours of Smallville, took some melatonin and cuddled with my puppy.
Tuesday- I felt a little better and started the day off right with some carrot, celery, apple juice. Had canned soup for lunch (not the best choice but better than a lot of other choices) I had a Slimfast and a protein bar for snacks since I wouldn’t be home until almost 10pm with school but since I didn’t do anything on Monday I didn’t prep a good dinner to take to school so I ate out (Panda Express; mushroom chicken, kung pao chicken and beef and broccoli, I avoided the carbs). I tried to use moderation and the best choices possible while not breaking the bank or taking too much time away from studying.
Wednesday – I should have gone to the gym but I had no energy
Thursday – I had lab, I got McDonalds in between work and school and remembered that depression makes everything so much more difficult. We were looking at tissue samples in lab (I’ll cover that more on Friday’s post) and I am not great with the microscope and knowing what I am or should be looking at, add in that depression increases stress and I almost started crying in my lab.
Friday- I stayed in bed or on the couch most of the day. I managed to get up and go for a 1.5 mile walk with Artemis and Brandon but I know if Brandon hadn’t been there and going stir-crazy even that would not have happened. I was so tired and lethargic and just depressed all day.
Saturday was mostly a lot better. We got up and did a little day trip I had planned for us during the week. We drove out to Cape lookout and did a just under 5 mile trail run/hike. We were probably only able to run a little less than half of this because the other half was crazy muddy, had large boulders to climb over and giant tree roots to climb over. I may have fallen on my butt in the mud lol. But it was still fun and good to get out and do something. After the run/hike we hit the Tillamook cheese factory for lunch and bought a few goodies.
We got home, cleaned up and watched the movie “Julie and Julia”. I can’t wait to have a whole kitchen all to myself!!!!! I am going to cook so much!!!
Saturday night was another story, I don’t know what it is, maybe because on the weekend I don’t have to deal with it, I can turn the TV and numb the world out as long as I need but knowing I have to go back to work and face the world just seems to be breaking me each week. Once again I got into bed and all my thoughts and stresses of the coming week came forward and I cried for almost 2 hours while Brandon held me. So of course I was a Zombie on Sunday and yet I need to study for my Midterm, yes I already have a MIDTERM!!!!! How am I supposed to learn everything I need to know when I don’t want to think and when I do think I break down.
Now I remember how the thought of going to class after my dad died was so daunting. Not surprised it took me 4 years to do 2 years of classes back then.
I do not want that to happened again and certainly cannot afford to need to repeat classes so I have started looking for a therapist and/or bereavement group. I can’t fall down the black hole I did after my dad died. I am just hoping I can find some energy and motivation to get through this midterm and not bomb it.
At the end of this week I will have drank more energy drinks in 1 week than I normally drink it a year and that is just to function on a basic level.